I was replying to a message from a fellow JET on Facebook, and I unconsciously ended up giving him a pretty solid reason why I'm going home in July. He asked me something to the effect of, if Julia came to live with me in Japan, would I stay another year? This is how I responded:
"No, even if Julia came over here and lived with me, it still wouldn't change my mind. Of course, one of the main reasons I want to go back is to be with her, but it's not just that...I've spent a third of my semi-independent life (aka post high school) in Japan, and it feels like I learned how to take care of myself here to an extent, but not at home (aka the US), if that makes any sense. Sometimes I think one of the reasons I came back was to escape to a place I "knew" rather than deal with a big void back in America. I'll always love Japan and I want to come back again someday, but for now I think I have to be a big boy and try growing up in the States.
Not to mention I want to buy legit deli meat at the supermarket."
Now that I reflect on this a bit more, though, I realize just how much I didn't know about Japan before coming to do JET as well. Without the bubble of college and study abroad protecting me, my status as a minority here is more obvious, indeed highlighted, for instance every time I walk into an elementary classroom and kids start applauding for their very own foreigner. On one level, it's endearing, since they're really eager to learn about me and I'm eager to teach them. But that doesn't stop it from also being really uncomfortable at times, too. Don't get me wrong, I have pretty good working relationships with most of my fellow teachers and with my students, and I have friends among the JET community as well in the Tottori community in general, but I'm starting to wonder more and more if I'm also wanting to go home so I can blend back in in a sense....not looking to join a commune of brown haired bespectacled Irish-EYEtalians per se, but rather exist somewhere where my origins aren't a key aspect of who I am. Also, somewhere where I am not as linguistically impaired. My JET friend I mentioned earlier also said that he feels like a child here. I would not disagree with him.
However, this creates a possible contradiction between my first, quoted reason for going home, and my subsequent musing on that reason. Or does it? I feel both more at home and more alienated in Japan than in America, often simultaneously. I am still not quite sure how to hash it all out, but I do know that both of these things, perhaps paradoxically, contribute to me wanting to go back home.
Also, I won't lie, this whole thought process makes me feel a bit guilty for professing my disdain for minority status after such a short period of time, when there are many people in America--people who come from other countries and people who have spent their whole lives in the States--who have probably had these feelings much longer than I have. I also have some guilt about this guilt. But I will say this, I think I have a better understanding of the whole process.
Furthermore, it really stings to admit to having culture shock after spending a lot of time in Japan not having it or pretending not to have it.
Phew, needed to get that off my chest. I've been doing a lot of thinking, for a long time now, about all this.
My conclusion at this point: The only non-paradoxical part of all this is the desire for deli meat. However, thanks to a very good conversation with Julia recently I can no longer say it is wholly guilt-free.
Found here. It's been a long time since I blogged last, and I realized part of the reason for that stems from my hesitation to commit large chunks of time to writing a lot of random stuff about my life on a fairly regular basis. Since Twitter's whole point is to share what's going on in as few characters as possible, it's incredibly convenient for someone like me to actually post things there consistently. It might even make me more succinct, a trait I am desperately lacking. Anyway, I will still keep the Uncanny Valley alive for when I need to clear the air about some big thing, but from now expect a lot to be coming from my Twitter account. Your constant falling ruins my mental flow. In other news, I am recovering from illness at an acceptable rate, I got to play around with GarageBand for a bit today (the results of which I hope to share soon), and Kanye West's new album, "808s and Heartbreaks," released today, is fantastic. I "heart"ily recommend "Heartless," "Paranoia," and especially "RoboCop,"....there's something about this album that feels so down-to-earth...it's so simple and, bluntly, sometimes so imperfect that it seems anyone could have made it, but then you listen to it again and understand the effort that went into crafting these songs out of such basic equipment and lyrical and melodic structures....it just works. Check it out.
In other other news, I had a very interesting weekend and will hopefully share stories and pictures soon. But I have to be at work in less than seven hours so now I think I will go to bed.
 | Finally. | Nov 19, '08 11:30 PM
for everyone |
Got. To. Play. Taiko. In the country where it was invented a millenia ago. And then reinvented in the way everybody knows fifty years ago. For the first time since I graduated.
Getting to that point was a bit rough...been getting sick, stressed out about observation class tomorrow, had to wait at the school for several hours to get picked up and taken to taiko by one of my student's moms which was awkward in and of itself, then I had to meet everyone and have them all watch me play....
But then I was playing. And then all that stuff just melted away. Just like it did back with Mark and the crew at Wes. It's been so long since I've had that feeling. And it felt gooooooood.
During the break I got to know all the members a bit better. There are ten or so regulars, ranging from my student, a 7th grader, up through high school students, college students, and several middle-aged women. I'm the only foreigner, and apparently the first to become involved in the group. Needless to say, that meant a flurry of questions about America and myriad attempts to recall English vocabulary/ask me for words they didn't know. But more importantly, I instantly realized how comfortable all the members were each other, and how they extended that feeling out to me. I think that sort of thing just comes with being a group that plays taiko. And that makes me happy.
The spark has been relit. Once again, taiko will carry me through whatever comes my way.
....man, if I thought the Takarazuka Revue couldn't be any more outlandish after seeing them two years ago on AKP, tonight's show in Kurayoshi proved me dead wrong. The all women's performance troupe, famous for their women playing men's roles more man-like than any man ever could, first did a side story from the anime Rose of Versailles for the drama section of the show. Their adaptation includes a storming of the Bastille conveyed entirely through interpretive dance and ends with French flags erupting from everywhere. Oh yeah, and I think there's a song in there somewhere, too.
But nothing could prepare me for the actual revue portion, unambiguously titled "Neodandyism 3." After asking, through song, the vital questions of "What is the dandy?" and "What is the dandyism?" and telling us that they are indeed "the man inside the man," and "to live in the love of destiny" respectively, the Revue takes us on a whirlwind tour of dandys, who apparently count among their numbers ambiguously Hispanic ranchers, a gospel choir (complete with light up Christian cross), and the Rockettes. I can only imagine what the previous two Neodandyisms threw out there if this stuff had to wait until the third installment.
"Ooooh dandy! Cool and elegant! Dandy! Dandy! Pure and beauty!"
Consider me converted.
It's been very busy these past few weeks...finally getting the chance to catch my breath and go through all the pics... Wednesday, October 29th: Jack O' Lantern carving at Takakusa! 15 boys from all three grades showed up and worked on these three guys for about an hour. I particularly like the one on the right. Oh and yes, the middle one is Anpanman. 
Saturday, November 1st: Takakusa Bunkasai! Bunkasai, or Culture Festival, is an annual event at pretty much every JHS and HS in Japan. At junior highs, it primarily consists of student speeches in Japanese and English, a brass band concert, showing off everything every class has made during the past semester, and oh yeah, tons of singing. As in, every class competes against each other for the ultimate singing championship title. Can't get the vids up on here, but here's a shot of the brass band rocking out (I think they're #1 in the eastern half of the prefecture):  Monday, November 3rd: My first Magic: The Gathering game since Stone taught me then destroyed me way back in middle school. Apparently this time we ended up playing at a cafe for over six hours....thank god there are no Charizards in Magic or it would have been Pokemon with Carl all over again..... 
Tuesday, November 4th: Election Day in the States, Uniqlo for me. I never ever thought I would wear a cardigan or a vest in my life.....then it got cold, and I still had to go to work, and I didn't want to wear a suit jacket. Results are as follows.  Wednesday, November 5th: Election Night in the States = Election Late Morning and Early Afternoon in Japan, so I got to watch the results roll in in between teaching classes. Pennsylvania went to Obama around 2nd or 3rd period. I actually stood up, pumped my fists in the air, and uttered a hushed yes. Scranton couldn't leave their boy Biden hanging now, could they? Obama won around lunchtime. It was the happiest lunch I can remember in a very long time.  Unfortunately, only a few days later bans on gay marriage were written into the Arizona and Florida constitutions, and Proposition 8 reversed the landmark progress that had been made in California by overturning the legality of gay marriage there. A horrible blemish on what would have been one of the greatest weeks in American history, and one that should not be swept under the rug and forgotten just because Obama won. Saturday, November 8: Bunkasai round 2, at Mochigase this time. The singing in particular was phenomenal, especially the 3rd graders (=9th graders). Check Facebook soon for the pics and videos.  A great day, but also a tiring one. Precisely 7 hours of bunkasai, 1 hour of cleaning up, 1 hour of fighting to stay awake at my desk, 1 hour of transit, and 2.2 beers into my day, for an instant the people, the party, indeed the world fell away and I saw only the naked gears of humanity turning on and on, with no reason, no purpose, no inference, no meaning. At least, that's the only way I can describe it. I then spent the next 30 minutes trying to get that sense back. Then, I spent the next two playing video games. Tomorrow: elementary school 1. I work far better with people in smaller groups, both as a teacher and as a friend. I can get a large class or crowd's attention every now and then for a few moments, but in general I tend to get lost in the shuffle and lose control. I try to be one-on-one with everyone at once, and I can't hang on for long. However, when I'm actually one-on-one, I stop dissecting and just start talking, and lo and behold, conversations are gratifying. An almost too obvious reality for me, but I need reminding sometimes--hanging out with two students while they prepped for the culture festival followed by my entire night at the breakfast for dinner potluck did that for me. Also, in the students' case, it got them to use English I never knew they had for a good 45 minutes, taught them never to tip less than 15% in America, and taught me that I can't try to trick my parents into giving me traditional New Year's cash while they're in Japan over break because I'm over 20....sigh....
2. Breakfast for dinner potluck....mmmmm.....hisashiburi na bacon
3. I'm glad the version of Guitar Hero World Tour Peter worked on got higher scores than the ones on other systems, but reading all the reviews on IGN made me understand again why I stopped going there back in high school....three plus page reviews, ads in between each one, and inflated scores that almost never drop below a 7...seriously, what's the point of even reviewing when you already know what the score will be but don't have enough time to read the whole write-up?
...hopefully most of you know this by now, but I am in Tottori, Japan working for the JET Program at two junior high schools with a bunch of one-shots at practically every elementary school in the vicinity of said junior highs. I kind've forgot to mention this when I started posting on this blog again. You know how I tend to forget those minor details....anyway this is pretty much just a three month late update for the record books/blogs when they are unearthed/haxx0red in the distant future and converted into those recurring sections in social studies textbooks called "In Their Own Words" or whatever where they put some interesting insight by someone utterly insignificant to overall world processes other than the fact that they existed during the period of years covered by Chapter 7.
So there we have it. To give an elaborate rendition of events is beyond my mental capabilities now/ever, so let's just say for now that Japanese middle schoolers simultaneously inspire me, make me feel rather uncomfortable and make me bust out laughing constantly, I like my job but still have misgivings about its nature and my ability to perform it, and that I feel embraced by the JET community here but at the same very lonely even when surrounded by people. Culture shock round 2 ka na?? To put it simply I am overwhelmed still, with all the good and bad it entails. I love the fact that I have achieved a long held dream of living on my own and supporting myself with a job I enjoy. But I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss Julia. I have learned a lesson about striking compromises with ideals. I still haven't decided if I will stay here for another year.
For more details on my more interesting exploits here, please refer to months of Facebook photo albums that I spent hours uploading and tagging over the course of a few days. I will also attempt to post more often on this blog, but as you've come to expect from me, don't hold your breath :P
I will end this post by saying that I had an absolutely wonderful day at Takakusa JHS, my main school, today....probably the first fully satisfying day I've had there since starting there. Everyone just seemed really genki today, including me despite less than 6 hours of sleep. I also learned that my kids can speak English accurately and with confidence when you talk to them about something they like...in this case two separate 20 minute long conversations about Gundam.
Tomorrow, I'll try it all again. Wednesday, I'll try it all again but with jack o' lanterns.
...reasserting my online presence. Eventually all will be right with my virtual world.
In other news, I heartily recommend checking out The OneUps' Volume 2. Despite my lamentations oh so long ago when OneUp Studios "went under," apparently they never actually quit but instead just focused on their live act, and now they have a two disc set available on iTunes. Still the best video game music cover band out there....they rock out to "African Mines" from the freakin NES Ducktales game soundtrack....seriously, who does that?
...to hold a lecture called Our Posthuman Futures: Cyborgs and Mutants in an Evolutionary Perspective after I've already graduated. Oh, and by the way, hello blog for the first time in half a year. More to come. ...is once again stuck in my head, and can be listened to here. And it's your only day, do you got all the truth? oh you never feel the way you were... I must have seen it, it's so familiar oh she looks so familiar must have seen it, oh you look so familiar I must have seen her face before, I fell in love when I was born now they hide her with a whisper, it's over So it goes, never been a better time might as well make it now? Oh it's your only day & you got all the truth oh you'll never feel the way you were now it's your only day is it all the truth? Oh you never feel the way you were The dead hand of the past only wishes to control your future I must have seen it, it's so familiar oh it looks so familiar must have seen it 1. The Union News of New Haven vends practically all of my preferred periodicals. The New York Times, EGM, Nintendo Power, even Sonic the Hedgehog comics! Unfortunately extortionist newsstand prices prevented me from picking up all of them, so I snagged the Times and Nintendo Power. 2. According to the Times, deleting your Facebook account is much harder than you may think. Even if you choose the delete account option, Facebook maintains your data in backup archives in case you ever want to restore your account in the future, meaning that crafty (or maybe even not so crafty) people can still use Facebook to contact you or acquire information about you. Apparently you have to delete every wall post, every line of personal data, and untag every photo if you really want to disappear, and even then you still have to email Facebook to delete the email address they keep on file. You have been warned. 3. Nintendo Power’s editor in chief is Chris Slate?! I stopped reading NP a few years back because I felt their soft on first party developer reviews, unwise allocation of space to unhelpful or just plain dumb features, and general rah-rah Nintendo propaganda had hit new lows. Apparently in the gap between my refusal to renew my subscription and my purchase today, Nintendo Power stopped being published by Nintendo and got picked up by Future Network, the same folks who publish PSM…ahem, excuse me, I mean “PlayStation: The Official Magazine” (Tangent: How could you, PSM?? After years of building trust with gamers by offering relatively unbiased commentary and criticism of all things PlayStation, you now put give guys like Jack Tretton, the same people you used to call out when they made shitty decisions regarding the PS2 or 3, propaganda pulpits at the end of every issue? Cut me a break!) Anyway, I always wondered where Chris Slate, the chief editor of PSM, disappeared to recently, and it turns out he’s heading up the newly redesigned NP with about half the PSM crew on board. And you know what? It ain’t half bad! Their reviews seem a bit soft, but on the whole I feel like I’m reading stuff that, while still from the “official” viewpoint, isn’t meant to brainwash 8 year olds anymore. Also, their coverage of the new BioWare Sonic RPG totally has me stoked.
PS: I had to do soranbushi at the JET interview this morning?! Well, after the bagel-induced daze this afternoon, that is. 3 different groups of people, 3 different places, 3 incredible conversations, and not a drop of homework to drink. Congratulations JJ, you successfully took chances, stepped out of your comfort zone, and broke the routine. I will be very happy if things continue like this.
PS I highly recommend everyone see The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys.
PPS This didn't happen today, but I played Smash Bros Brawl. Enough said.
In a matter of a few short days the barren Wesleyan campus has blossomed again. But has spring come two months early? I'm not quite sure. It was getting a bit lonely around here, but I also enjoyed pretending I was the only person on campus every time I took a walk down to the library or Usdan. Break was good. Cleanly divided into two different but equally enjoyable halves, united by the common thread of video games. I finally understand first-hand why Valve is one of the finest game developers in existence. Anyway, break is now over. I had my PiA interviews today, and classes begin tomorrow morning. Here we go...the last semester. The final battle, if you will. During my talk with the PiA director, he mentioned that during his last few months here, many new opportunities suddenly opened up to him...he said it's never too late to try new things or meet new people, despite how difficult it may seem to get out of the same old routine. I'm going to take his advice to heart and hope it rings true in my case as well. I've been so eager to condemn everything around me that I've forgotten the days when it used to be all I needed...all I wanted. I don't think I can ever completely return to those days, but I refuse to leave here without trying to bridge the gap. This is it. I can't give up now... | Snow Day | Jan 18, '08 2:56 AM
for everyone |
So I was about to write today off as yet another step in the mundane march toward the start of spring semester...and then Will suggested we go play in the snow. I then spent the next two hours stalking around the backyards on Fountain and Vine, hunting for our target in an real-life icy variation on Halo's Juggernaut, followed by launching tactical strikes on the bridge in the back of the Freeman Center...precisely what I've been needing after spending too many nights doing the same thing inside on a TV screen. The night was absolutely gorgeous...a thick blanket of clouds peppering the sky with flurries, everything tinged orange by the glow of the streetlights. No sound save for the crunching of my own feet in the snow. It was otherworldly, as if time froze along with everything else...everything else except me. In between snowy skirmishes I kept looking out at the track, indiscernible under a shallow sea of flakes, and I kept feeling an urge to walk out into the center of it and just stand there. Some part of me felt that if I waited there long enough, someone would come out and meet me, and we could both stand there in the snow, together. Then another part of me realized that if I kept standing there staring, instead of taking cover, I would end up getting pegged by WIll and Dezieck, so I dove back into the snowy fray...and got pegged anyway :P That's what I love about snow days...you can experience such a wide range of emotions and events, just by looking at and rolling around in a bunch of frozen water. It's something so simple, but so fundamental, so necessary, so perfect. Winter may make me gloomy sometimes, but I'd never trade snow for anything. Thanks to everyone who expressed condolences and support regarding my last post, it means a lot. It's been a while since I've posted about video games here, and considering that one of my purposes for maintaining this blog after renaming it The Uncanny Valley was to discuss games, I feel that this must be rectified. Today I found a really cool feature on Gamasutra about 20 Mysterious Games. It talks a lot about old Rougelike computer games that use complex, often hidden algorithms to approach near randomization of play, and as such becomes a bit tedious to read through after awhile. However, the entries on Mario 3 and Bubble Bobble are definitely worth reading, particularly the latter. I've always loved Bubble Bobble and understood how freaking hard it is, but I had no idea it had secret codes that were themselves coded, win conditions to decode them, and then extra win conditions added after you enter a certain secret code, all in order to achieve the ultimate ending. Not only that, but the game actually keeps hidden tabs on player actions and drops special items in relation to these actions, essentially creating play styles that can predict the flow of the game to a certain degree. Crazy. I think it's also worth pointing out that the most recent game on this list is Diablo, and the author notes how it actually contains fewer mysteries than the Rougelike games from which it drew many of its basic features. Gaming has changed; it seems that the "secrets" traded around nowadays are really just glitches...all the intentionally hidden stuff is practically given away in guides or in the games themselves. As the article rightfully mentions, the Mario 3 Warp Whistle trick in World 1 (you know, the one where you crouch and fall behind the white block) is the stuff of legends, a classic secret that practically everyone knows today. You just don't see enough of this stuff anymore  Thank you for giving me the chance to forget about the world and lose myself in our walks around the block for over 10 years. Some of the best moments of my life were spent with you. Being at home won't ever be the same now that you're gone. Rest well. Stolen from Kirst/Michelle:
1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Came home from Japan. Wished I had spent a summer working. Skinny-dipped. TAed Japanese. Took singing lessons. Learned how to play taiko :)
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Nope and nope.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My cousin's expecting in January.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yeah, a friend from high school.
5. What countries did you visit?
Japan
6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
Smash Bros. Brawl (and a Wii to boot). Some direction. More self-confidence.
7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
My birthday...see below. The day I met Julia in NYC over the summer because I found some closure. Playing Paul Goes to Mocon at Open Mic Night because we proved we could perform for a wider audience and get the same kind of awesome reception. Playing Paul Goes to Usdan for the AFO Crew because it made the whole semester's worth of work worth it.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Completing AKP. All the music I've made with my friends.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Spent too much time thinking, not enough living.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
As stated above, I actually have a cold right now. Other than that, nothing really except for a nasty sinus infection in late July. Actually had to go get an MRI done, which turned out be kinda cool.
11. What was the best thing you paid for?
If it really has to be from this year, I guess I'd say my IPod. But really, the best thing I've bought in recent memory is my kanji dictionary for my DS. I can't even begin to count how many hours I've saved on homework using that thing.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Masahiro Sakurai, for running the Smash Bros. Dojo with such dedication and attention to detail.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Sony, particularly with regard to their handling of the PS3.
14. Where did most of your money go?
In Japan, Drummania and Gundam. In the US, Otakon and food.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going back to America. Going back to Wesleyan. Going back to Japan. Rock Band. Still excited about Smash Bros. Brawl.
16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
For me, 2007 had three very distinct chapters with different music for each:
Japan: "Talk Tonight", "Half the World Away" by Oasis. "Life is Water" by Sim Redmond Band. Hirai Ken's "Pop Star." Bump of Chicken's cover of "Hybrid Rainbow" by The Pillows. "Fluency" by me and Mario.
Summer: All of the above with an air of nostalgia/regret. The entirety of T.I.'s "T.I vs. T.I.P." "Only for the Night" by RxBandits. "25" by me and Mario.
Wesleyan, Fall 2007: "Supernova" by Bump of Chicken. "手紙"and"世界はそれを愛と呼ぶんだぜ" by Sambomaster. Young Jeezy's "Let's Get It: Thug Motivation 101." Kanye West's "Graduation." "Paul Goes to Usdan" by Totaled from Within.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?
I'd say happier. Definitely less confused.
ii. thinner or fatter?
I remain a staunch 135 lbs, though I'm definitely more out of shape.
iii. richer or poorer?
My personal savings have been practically depleted due to not working, though Christmas has helped with that a bit.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Met more new people, gotten involved in new activities
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Dwelling on the past, overthinking
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Spent Xmas Eve at my aunt and uncle's and the day itself at home with the family, as always.
21. What was the most embarrassing thing that happened to you in 2007?
Not being able to explain the difference between desu and arimasu to 1st year Japanese students.
22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
No.
23. How many one-night stands?
None
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Gilmore Girls. Arrested Development. Nodame Cantabile. Gundam 00.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don't think I really "hate" anyone. However, my opinions of some people have changed for the worse.
26. What was the best book you read?
Hmm...I'd say either "Dying to Win" or "Monkey"
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Sambomaster, Bump of Chicken, Young Jeezy
28. What did you want and get?
The chance to go to Japan. The chance to return to Japan (well, hopefully)
29. What did you want and not get?
A really close relationship with someone.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Superbad, 鉄コン筋クリート(well, I saw it this year anyway)
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
21. I cried for the third time.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
See 29. Also, Smash Bros. Brawl.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Maintained the ol' jeans and unique T-shirt combo that's worked so well for so long, but added some corduroys and collared shirt/sweater combos to the mix.
34. What kept you sane?
Gundam. Playing guitar with Mario. Taiko class.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I don't know her name, but that woman on the Kaitenzushi show (typically played the Chinese person) and a bunch of Japanese variety shows. She was really quirky, made some awesome faces, and had a crazy fashion sense. I thought she was awesome.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Civil rights, particularly for the GLBT community.
37. Who did you miss?
Everyone from AKP.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Mario. Mark and everyone in my taiko ensemble
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
You can only be comfortable with someone else once you've learned to be comfortable with yourself. This is still very much a WIP.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"Goddamn, nothing ever goes as planned, been around the world and come back feeling like freshmen."
| exactly. | Dec 28, '07 8:18 PM
for everyone |
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